I read her blog pretty regularly. In case you didn’t click on that first link, and really, you should, let me fill you in. As much as I can, anyway. She lost two of her little ones a few years back — twin boys, Jake & James. She’s talked about them before in previous posts, and of course, I’ve at the very least teared up. Tonight was different. I didn’t full on cry, mind you. But my heart swelled for her. I can not imagine losing my Gabe… and I doubt I’d take it with as much grace as she seems to carry. She’s got two little guys & a little girl… and she’s expecting another ankle biter. God love her… I have no idea who she is, but I hope to one day have a little of the strength she possesses. She’s a good momma, & I wish her, and her little ones, all the best. Go check out her blog… it’s worth reading.
Anyway. The past few weeks have been kind of hellish. They’ll continue to be until after this semester is over & done… but now I don’t mind so much. My Gabe has been such a little man the past couple of weeks. We’ve had a few rough spots, but hell.. he’s not even two yet. I think I can handle a few rough spots. I love that little boy inside & out. We had a picnic of sorts Saturday… just the two of us. I love watching him… it seems like everything he sees is brand new. And even if he’s seen it a hundred times over, he gets just as excited. I’m finally getting to a point where I can (almost) slow down and just watch him. He’s so smart… and SO HARD-HEADED. He’s been particularly cuddly as of late, which I adore. I can always make time for some Gabe lovin’, no matter how much I’ve got backed up.
A friend of mine had her baby Monday. She & a lady about my mom’s age were talking about “child rearing” (seriously)… and I couldn’t help but wonder if I sounded so naïve when I first had Gabe. And, in spite of myself, I wondered just how naïve I sound now. There are days I think I’ve got it all together. “I’ve got this” I say to myself. But do I “got this”? Nope… probably not. And thirty years from now, I still won’t have it.
“Being Momma.” I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but I never thought that would define me. Three years ago, if you’d have said “You’re gonna be a momma” I’d have probably double over laughing (only after putting my drink down first). Here we are… and I’m Momma. When did it happen? When did I make the transition from “The Drunk” to “Mommy”? It all happened so quickly. But you something? I wouldn’t go back to the bottom of that bottle for love nor money. For the first time EVER in my life, someone needs me. For the first time EVER in my life, I can make a huge difference in someone’s life. That, my friends, far out-weighs out-drinking anyone. Period.
So yes, I’ve traded in my heels for an apron. Not only am I totally okay with being momma, I’m sooo much more comfortable, too! Why the hell didn’t someone tell me that flats are God’s gift to toes?!
We’re approaching the Terrible Two’s. In just a few short months I’ll be digging bunkers. Will I feel so lovey-dovey to my toddler then? Prooobably not. But we’ll be okay. Other momma’s before me have managed to not only get out alive themselves, but also keep their chirrens alive. The bottle & I may get re-acquainted… but I hope not anytime soon (kidding, guys! Don’t call the state on me yet!). As for raising multiple children? I’ll let Zohrbak handle that.. ’cause she’s pretty good at it.
Y’all have a good evening.