Lately

Lately

We had a pretty Mother’s Day, Gabe & I.  All of us did, actually.  We woke up and hurriedly finished things we had procrastinated on (ie: Mother’s Day EVERYTHING) all the while watching Mary Poppins.

We made it to church 15 minutes early (this is a big deal.  for serious.).

Gabe & I had lunch with MeMe & Papa.  Gabe got to take a nap with MeMe (..okay, might have been the other way around), and Papa & Gabe picked strawberries & walked around the yard for a bit.  Momma & I got to talk uninterrupted for a while, which was nice because we never get to anymore.  I made a cake, we ate it, and then we went home.  Not gonna lie, I might have had a Mother’s Day beer.

Or two.

All in all, it was a fantastic day filled with people I love with all my heart.  Not a bad way to end the weekend.

i quite like them. just a bit, though.

Here lately, our days have moved by with lightening speed.  Here it is, the middle of May.  I have no idea how we got here so quickly.  I mean, shit.  Wasn’t yesterday the beginning of the year?  What the hell happened??  And of course, as our lives tend to soak it up, our days have been filled with drama & bullshit… with some niceness in-between.  I’m finding that I’m growing far too old for it all.  That sounds peculiar coming out of my young self.. but Jesus.  Who the hell has time… well.  For bullshit?  Not I.  I have my hands full with things of legitimacy.  You know.  Like my kid.  And work.  And school.  And people who aren’t full of piss & vinegar.  Recently some crap has made its way about, and to be honest, it really pissed me off.  Initially.  And then I got to thinking.  Which, naturally, made me laugh.  Who gives a shit?  Again, not I.  I’ve learned that living in a small town is like a wormhole for small mindedness.

Because I stay in trouble with my mouth, let me clarify: I don’t think this of everyone in a small town.  But if you live in one, you know what I mean.  People run their mouths like they should be running their asses.  When we moved to our little town ten years ago I was… well, an unknown.  I didn’t know anyone or anything about anyone.  And the first month of my freshman year, I learned everything there was to know about everyone there was to know… and they learned things about me that I didn’t even know.  That’s right.  I was educated about myself.  I don’t remember most of what was said, but I do remember someone saying I came from like.. Maine or some shit.  Maine??  Oh really?  Well paint me red & call me a lobster.. I thought I’d lived in Louisiana all my life!  hmph.

That little story was just to prove my point.  Basically, if you walk into Payless & someone from your neck of the woods sees you venture in, chances are word will get around that you’re a cheap pair of suede pumps.  Anyway.  I’ve gotten away with not being talked about for…. probably five years.  And it’s been nice.  Matter of fact, I figured we’d all *GASP* grown up and started focusing on our own lives.  I’m amazed at my ignorance sometimes, and this time was no different.  But I’ve made a decision to myself that I won’t be bogged down in the bullshit.  Because in the end, it really doesn’t matter.  I’m doing what I should be.  I take care of Gabe (God bless him).  I work.  I go to school.  I’ve grown up.  And damn it, it’s nice.  I don’t need to jeopardize my dignity, or my son’s, in defense of dignity… because I haven’t lost it to begin with.  I’m not perfect, and I fuck up royally, daily.  My son is probably on a waiting list for therapy later down the road… even though I’m a relatively good mom.  But I screw up.  Everyone does.  Furthermore, I wouldn’t dare do anything to sabotage my relationships with people that actually matter.  And even though I am, in a way, defending myself via blog (which is kind of lame, I recognize)… I have nothing to defend.  I’ve nothing that merits retort from my side or gossip from anyone else.

So in closing comments, I say screw it.  I will let this roll off my back like I should have a few weeks ago.  I will not let this fill my mind & keep me from thinking about what is actually of importance.  I will focus on Gabe.  I will focus on doing well in school.  I will focus on my job, because Gabe depends on it and so do I.  I will place my attention on things thatmy lifego around.  Not what makes other’s faces yap.  Instead of bullshit drama, I will pour out focus & devotion.  Why?

Because I’m an adult.  And damn it, someone’s gotta do it.

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