I’m pretty sure my Hotmail account thinks I’m a dating amateur. Or that I’m a cat lady. Or some crazy shit. Because every day for the past three months my account has been bombarded with “Meet your Match today,” and quite frankly, I don’t appreciate it. Don’t these people know how much space their crap takes up in my inbox?! Furthermore, what if I like being the crazy cat lady?
Ok. That’s not an entirely accurate thought. I hate cats, first of all. And.. well, I don’t have a second point but you’re catchin’ what I’m throwin’.
Anyway. Evidently, in the eyes of email account & countless dating ‘sites (including, but not limited to, Cougar Zone [not. kidding.]), I am a dweeb in the dating world. This is nothing new… I am, actually, pretty terrible at dating. More often than not I’m one of the guys — and I am genuinely okay with that. Or I was. Until Hotmail & eHarmony started on my case like a psycho Jewish mother foaming at the mouth as she tries to pawn her daughter off on the nearest doctor in a 10 mile radius. And now I feel quite a lot like Fran in The Nanny. Except I’m not at all like Fran. So more like Nia Vardalos in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
It’s pretty pathetic, y’all. And I feel pretty bad for myself. Not bad enough to pick up a half-ton of Dove chocolate & thirty or so animals of the feline variety, but you know. I wouldn’t turn down a Diet Coke (or Dove chocolate) if offered.
No, but really. This whole online thing has really gotten out of hand. I mean, guys. There are some creepy ass people out there! Have you not heard of the Craigslist killer? I mean, damn. Granted, I’m not, & hopefully never will be, desperate enough to hit up Craigslist. Seriously… whoever thought, “Hey I need a new couch. And while I’m already at the classifieds, lemme look for a date, too.” For real? That’s ridonkulous. But meeting people in general these days is tough enough without all the Q&A bullshit. You can’t meet anyone ANYWHERE unless you do a criminal background check (or at least stalk their Facebook). And don’t even get me started on all this lovey-dovey shit. I’m a chick-flick girl all the way. And if you know me at all, you know that I adore those cheesy story lines. But I also know it’s completely fictitious and that men and womenboth are pretty much shallow assholes anymore. So there will be no happenstance meeting at the park or, “Oops! I accidentally dropped my watermelon into your shopping cart — hey, can I have your number” scenarios. And if any of you ever try to pull off that last one I swear on my left foot that I will slap you with a cold fish.
Meeting at bars? Uh, no. Meeting at church? I hate to say this, and I hope you know what I mean, but hell no. Half those people were at the bar with your drunk ass the night before. And I’m only speaking from experience so let’s try not to get our panties in a wad, mmkay pumpkin? What I’m trying to get at is in this day and age where the hell do people meet people? And it actually work out? Lately I haven’t had much luck. Well, I say that. The past few have really been a downer to the ol’ psyche. But people these days… dude. What on earth are we doing? Everyone’s saying the marriage rate has gone up… psh. I’ll believe that shit when I see it. But there again, it must be. Because the divorce rate is unbelieveable.
I just don’t understand what is so hard about a commitment anymore. And it really went down hill with my parents’ generation. There were marriages and divorces and 2nd, 3rd, & 4th marriages abound for those poor bastards. I can’t wrap my mind around it. Maybe I’m just old fashioned. I mean, I’m not looking to get married right now. I’ve got a lot going on, truthfully. But it’s not that I don’t want to eventually. It’s that right now I can’t devote the time needed to a marriage. Shit, right now I’m not even getting a full night’s sleep! But I think that must be it.. for me, anyway. I’m old-school. I like the whole sentimental, love-y thing, but not a Hallmark relationship; a real one. With ups & downs. You know… real life. And it seems to me that everyone is so caught up in imaginary lifestyles that they picture this… completely unreal thing and run with it. And that’s why so many relationships go down the toilet anymore. People can’t get past fiction to get to real. That must be what it boils down to. I guess.
I’m not bashing dating sites, although you jackasses are taking up waaay too much space in the old inbox. But they just don’t seem real to me. I admit, I’ve known people who have used the ‘sites & they’ve worked. And it works for them. And I am genuinely glad for those few couples. It just seems a little new-fangled, even for this generation. I don’t think we’re a mature enough population to know how to handle online matchmaking without sounding like puberty-striken twelve year olds. But that’s just my opinion. I may be completely off-base.
In the meantime Hotmail & eHarmony, kindly stop nagging me to date Steve, Peter, or John. I don’t care how badly they want to me to have their children, I am simply not interested. I can’t figure out your shit, anyhow.