It’s twelve in the morning and of course I’ve got so much to do that I physically can’t sleep. Normally, that fact would make me angry. But this morning, I’m struck with an unusual sense of peace. Lately I’ve been scatter-brained; a little off kilter. Nothing wrong — just a lot to do, and it’s stressful. That’s living I suppose, and if being stressed out & tired means that I’ve still got a pulse, then I’ll take it. But right now — just for a minute or two — I’m going to dwell in my exhausted state of contentment.
I’ve witnessed a few things lately that, selfishly, I’m going to keep to myself. These things have touched my heart in some way or another, and just for now, I’d like to hold them close to me like a treasure. Some things though are too great to hold to myself. Cate’s out of town from today until Sunday or so, and being alone, even for a few hours, makes me uneasy. I figured getting home a few hours ago would be no different and that I’d be sleeping with every light in the house turned on. And, to be honest, it started off that way. Gabe passed out on the ride home, and I was left to study for an exam & make a potato salad for work tomorrow. Alone. But I turned on some music, and got to work, and almost immediately thought of my grandpa. You guys know I talk about Poppa here about as much as I dish on Gabe; he’s a pretty prominent fixture in this corner of the internet and I like it that way. Talking, or writing, about him makes me think he’s sitting right behind me popping my bra strap or telling awful Boudreaux-Thibedeaux jokes (utter cheesiness I adored, by the way). It brings me an incredible sense of comfort… bitter-sweet, nonetheless.
If you know me at all you know that I’ve stepped back from my faith and church. Have for several months now. It’s not something I’m proud of, but there’s no sense in lying about it. Currently, though, I’m listening to “Lead Me to the Cross” by Hillsong United, and it’s given me an ease that I haven’t felt in ages. And it’s giving me my Poppa back… no matter how temporary that may be. I wish I could give him a big bear hug. Wish I could smell his peppermint and Old Spice smell. Wish I could sit on his lap and tell him everything about everything… watch him with my Gabe. But for now, I am content in knowing that he’s around… wanting to split some Poppa Toast and give the old bra strap a good snap. We’ll get there soon enough.. soon enough. Until then…
Loving & thinking of you Poppa Bear.